Friday, September 20, 2013

Positivity - It's the Only Way

I live a life of positivity. This means not dwelling on the negative for any longer than is necessary - because, let's face it, acknowledging the negative parts of life is sometimes unavoidable. Sometimes you just have to tip your hat to the negative and do your best to move on. I said good day, sir!

I'd say I'm pretty good at moving on. I've had some pretty terrible things happen to me, health wise. I've been lucky in life, but definitely got the short end of the health stick. My whole family, in fact, got gypped big time in the health department. But on a spectrum of terrible, we're still left of centre. So lucky is as lucky does.

(what?)

What I'm saying is that I have always had the ability to see the silver lining. The humour in the situation. The fact that it could always be worse (because let's face it, it COULD always be worse - AIDS). I consider this a talent because trust me when I say that I do not deny myself from feeling things....oh, do I ever feel things. I can cry in my car, or making soup, or thinking about things with the best of them.  I'm just able to compartmentalize these sad or scared feelings from my every day existence and not make my whole life all about these sad or scary things. I tip my hat to them (sometimes daily, sometimes weekly) and then I move on.

Someone once said to me (a nurse friend, in fact...but one of those really hippy ones) that I needed to let myself grieve. This was post intestinal surgery, one of the more traumatic events in my life, and I was at a party about a month after I got out of the hospital. I was still in recovery, but I had "moved on", to the point where I had accepted what had happened and was just trying to make the best of it. I believe I said something like "it could be worse" (my standard and my motto) and she told me I wasn't letting myself grieve.

I found this assumption on her part to be really fucking annoying. First of all, I HAD grieved. Trust me. For the 16 days I spent confined in a hospital bed, with an NG tube in my nose emptying the already empty contents of my stomach, and a catheter that kept falling out, painful stitches, shitting the bed,  a new huge scar, and feeling so lonely despite being surrounded by loved ones....I think I had HAD my share of grief and fear. I wasn't about to live my life feeling the way I had felt in those two weeks, scared of my future and scared of crapping the bed one.more.time.that.night (This only happened twice by the way, and then my new, shortened intestines learned the difference between a fart and a big ole shit).

I know she meant well, but it was honestly offensive of her to try and make me feel feelings that I had already felt 1000 times over, just for her hippy benefit. Because I had moved on. I had rationalized it as "could have been worse" because I could have still been in there. I could have come out with a colostomy bag. I could have died in surgery. I could, I could, what if, what if? Nope. Not a way to live or think.

It comes naturally to me to move on from trauma (not that you ever really MOVE ON, you just...move forward), but lately I have found I really need to focus my energy on positive intent. You see, there is a goal in my life that I haven't been able to easily achieve. This is frustrating on many levels, because things (other than good intestinal health) have generally come easy to me. I excelled in high school, university, and work. With a little hard work and dedication, you get what you want. But do you get what you ne-eeeeed?

That's not always the case, apparently. And it makes for a very frustrating life at times. Because it's so easy to focus on "WHY NOT ME"? So I've changed my tune. I'm living my life with intent. The field of positivity surrounds us all, so why can't I tap into it? I have the ability to see the silver lining in life, so why can't I use that ability to channel my energy into achieving my goal?

I can. And I will.

I've stopped accepting that it "might not happen" and started affirming to myself that it WILL happen. Because of COURSE it will happen. Because I am a good person and good things happen to good people who believe in good things. And whose thoughts remain good and happy and therefore attracting the good and happy things.

Being all knowing and wise, I also realize that Forrest Gump was right -  life IS like a box of chocolates. You never know which one you're going to get. And it's up to you to make the most and best of the life you are given, because life is a gift, even with short bowel syndrome.


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